Thursday, February 22, 2018
It's just been a week of "life as usual" ...... I have been stressing over the fact I couldn't find a doctor and my prescriptions needed to be refilled -- BUT -- wonders of wonders! the local walk in clinic will renew prescriptions if you bring in a list from the drugstore. I went and did it yesterday -- and I shouldn't have stressed so hard over it -- it was a simple 20 minute procedure.
Of course because I had been stressing for a couple of weeks -- and have this major 'white coat' syndrome -- when they took my blood pressure yesterday it was very high. Then of course my mind went to the youngest daughter's MIL who had a stroke about a month ago -- and my ex-husband who is on the list for a double by-pass surgery. And truthfully I had myself dead and buried by the end of this week.
This morning I went to my lil apartment and picked up my blood pressure machine (cause yeah I do have high blood pressure -- though controlled with meds) and took my BP. It was normal today -- 120/83 ...... but that's me -- stress is definitely gonna kill me.
AND the things I stress over........
Sir Steve took the lil one to have her hair cut on the weekend -- it was almost to her bum -- but so unhealthy!! thinning drastically the farther down her back it went -- and split ends like you wouldn't believe. They cut off a good 7 inches. BUT then I started stressing -- I had been nattering about her hair -- and maybe Sir Steve only got it cut to shut me up!! And the mother (who has been away for the last 3 weeks) is gonna throw a hissy fit when she sees it.... and it's all my fault !!!
AND I have noticed that the lil one has been shutting down -- when she reads and hits a word she doesn't know... sometimes over simple questions we will ask her -- and when she shuts down she looks like she's in trouble or that someone is gonna yell at her or beat her (it makes me SO sad!!) I figured it was all my fault -- that I am putting too high expectations on her.....
Well her report card came home on Tuesday -- and it was a GREAT report -- but interesting enough the teacher commented twice about how she shuts down .... and they will work on her confidence. I should have known that!! She wants to please -- wants to get it right --- we need to work on her confidence too...... I wonder if -- she has always been told how pretty she is -- how cute she is -- and it annoys me -- she doesn't DO anything to earn that praise -- but when it comes to learning she has to DO something..... she's getting it -- I know she is! BUT I do wish people would stop telling lil girls how cute they are -- like that is the only thing that counts -- their appearance! We don't normally do that with lil boys.
AND then Sir Steve wanted to investigate a grocery company that supplies excellent quality meat and groceries for a monthly fee. I was ok with the idea -- IF it was gonna save us money for sure !! The guy came last night.... I started getting cranky/stressing when the appointment kept getting changed from 7 to 7:30 -- then 7:45 and he didn't show up till 8. AND then I realized I would have to order meat for a year!!! and on the spot... like right then!! The guy kept telling me it would be easy he would help -- Sir Steve kept telling me to relax -- but I stressed -- what if I got the wrong amount of meat...... and we ran out half way through the year??!!
Long and short of it is -- I did my best estimate of how much meat we need from each of the categories (steak/hamburger/pork etc) it is gonna be cheaper (I think) than buying it from the stores -- AND it will mean less trips to the grocery store for me -- and better quality ... and and and........... now I just have to stop stressing and trust it will all work out ....... and at worst we live with it for a year and never do it again!!
OH and yesterday I weighed myself......... I didn't need to cause I knew I had put on weight -- can tell by the way my clothes are fitting me.....
BUT it's been so nice not to think about food ya know?? not to stress over my eating habits........ BUT the scales told the truth -- I have put on 20 pounds in a year!! TWENTY POUNDS!!! OMG I thought I was gonna be sick........and just like someone flicked a switch -- I lost my appetite........... totally gone!
I went back to the food plan I used to use -- entered every single piece of food that went in my mouth -- ate dinner with Sir Steve and the lil one and when I closed the day down -- the program told me I wasn't eating enough calories.......... (sigh) here I go again.........
That has been my week -- and it's only Thursday!! Life is indeed a great balancing act.
Tuesday, February 20, 2018
For most of my life I was shut down when I tried to talk -- when I tried to express my thoughts/feelings/emotions. From being ignored .... being told I was overly emotional -- to the best one -- being labelled a 'bratty sub' or being told I wasn't a good sub (because I always had an opinion or a question)
And so I learned it was pointless to talk about the things that were important to me.
Sir Steve has been encouraging me to open up.... it's been a long haul. But I did trust him enough to start opening up. I was thinking it was a bit like peeling an onion -- but that's not a good analogy as the center of the onion is usually the worst bit -- we are getting past the worst bits in the outer layers -- so I hold out hope that it will get easier and easier ........
After Friday's blog ....... Sir Steve commented on it -- and we had a talk. I explained (no matter how silly it sounded -- or how difficult it was to find the words) that when we have the lil one we both take on different personas.... and we land up being collectively "the parents". I don't feel very sexy -- or very subbie -- or very comfortable doing any 'adult' activity. I pointed out that Sir Steve takes on the 'daddy' role -- 'daddy voice' and it does a number on my head. (and maybe his head too)
Saturday the lil one had a birthday party to go to -- and Sir Steve planned on taking her for a hair cut when it was done. I decided not to go with them. I don't HAVE to always tag along ya know? I am NOT the mother -- not the parent -- I am "JUST S" as we say. So I stayed home and watched the olympics and stayed in a good mind set.
Saturday night -- after the lil one was settled in bed -- Sir Steve went into our bedroom and pulled out the pervertables I had bought (for pussy torture) and his knife. Then he came out to me and held out his hand........
He even closed the bedroom door which made me feel more secure -- made me feel more connected to him believe it or not.............
We played for over an hour ...... and he used THE knife !
I have been waiting for an evening of knife play for -- like -- for EVER! I was contented and purring.
Sunday was a busy 'family' day. We went to Montreal to run some messages -- saw a 'tank' demo and then popped into visit youngest daughter and family before heading home. I really didn't hold out much hope for any sex on Sunday night -- we were both tired....... and in that 'parent mind set'.
BUT again Sir Steve came to me early and took my hand and we went to bed and had some pretty kinky sex..........
Yesterday he made a cheeky comment that not only had we had GREAT sex BUT we had played too !!!
I still need to work on my mind set when we are in family mode ........ but I know .. KNOW... that when I voice how I am feeling I am heard ...... and Sir Steve will work hard with me to change the feelings.
AND that ..... my dear friends........ is a very good thing!