Sunday, January 22, 2017
Friday, January 20, 2017
It has felt a little bit like 'time travel' this last week or so....
Last weekend angel came over for coffee on Saturday and stayed till after dinner (just like old times). We talked and laughed and I cried -- and it felt like the time had fallen away and everything was just like it was before the spring. Yesterday she was in Kingston and messaged me and came over again for coffee and again we laughed and talked (no I didn't cry this time) and I even got to meet her special someone who popped in to have coffee with us.
Do any of you remember 'The Sadist' who used to come to play about a year ago. He has continued to read here from time to time... and from time to time I would get an email -- just him checking up on me. Those emails always made me smile -- it's nice when casual play brings with it a friend.
Well I heard from him at the beginning of the week and we had a quick coffee on Wednesday -- cause he wanted to check up on me -- wanted to see how I was 'really' doing in person -- not trying to judge from words here on The Continued Journey.
And then of course there is my long lost friend who came out of the fog of the past in September and since Christmas has been pretty much in my life via messenger. He's coming to visit me this weekend. There's a rather long story to tell there I think...... but one that will keep till Monday -- and will most likely be told piecemeal - because dontcha know the very best stories are told in chapters....... or sequels.
Yes in many ways it feels like time travel -- and maybe just maybe -- my time travel will take me back to a happier more self assured time a time when my heart was light and I trusted and loved with my whole being.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
all 12 steps are pretty damn good -- but there are a couple that I really need to work on.......
#2 - say exactly what you mean -- I have to learn to say / ask for what I want .... really want -- directly -- no beating around the bush -- no being coy - just ask. Simple as that.
# 3 - people pleaser that's me !!! learning to please myself first and accept that others may want to please me is a difficult lesson to learn.
#5 - never speak bad of yourself -- I read something yesterday that struck a chord with me. When we don't accept our bodies -- when we put our bodies down -- we are actually hurting the people who love us. We are saying their opinions/desires for us is wrong. That was an eye opener for me
#7 - don't be afraid to say 'yes' -- if you only knew how many times I didn't say anything when my body/mind was screaming YES -- but I was too shy or too scared to say it out loud.
the biggest one for me -- the most important one for me is
#6 - Never give up on your dreams!
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
I have removed "poly" from my Fetlife profile.... not because I don't believe in it cause I do. But then I also believe in socialism - on paper.
A lot of things look good in theory. But in reality -- shrug -- not so much.
I don't respond well to being lied to -- or finding out someone is cheating on me. The thing about poly that really appealed to me was that (in my world) there could be no cheating or lying in a poly relationship because the whole thing about poly was other partners - right?
And it meant I didn't have to let anyone 'in'. I could safely keep everyone at arm's length. Certainly the relationships I did get involved in were not designed for "love" -- they were designed to fulfill needs.....nothing more. And that was comfortable for me - that was safe for me.
As this past year has gone along -- I came to realize I was missing some vital ingredients in my life. I would look at Hands and CG for example and envy them their snuggle times....the hand holding... the deep caring that they shared. A part of me wanted that ....... for me -- just for me -- not shared. And I came to realize as long as I was happy /content being the 3rd -- that I was never gonna get my heart's desire. I came to honestly believe I didn't deserve to find that kind of relationship -- that I wasn't 'lovable'. I had never felt more broken in my entire life.
What brought these feelings of needing to be snuggled with -- to hold hands....... to be more than a 3rd to someone else's relationship -- to a head was when my 'long lost friend' came to visit two weeks ago.
We spent a lot of time talking -- reminiscing -- and he put his arm around my shoulders while we watched TV -- and he reached out and took my hand when we were leaving the munch.
After he left I cried -- because he touched that need inside of me. He made me look at it straight on. I know I can't 'settle' anymore ..........not for any superficial need..... I am learning (slowly) I am worth more ........ that I 'deserve' more .........
And that is a very good thing !